Funny Thoughts
This is where I'm putting all the funny thoughts that come to me in the midst of flowing and experiencing things in life. Once I input enough of them here then I can make a comedy script out of it for a good story, book, or movie.....
A lady is ready to enter a night club. She talks to the security doorman about her boyfriend on his way who is just around the corner parking his car. They get into a debate about her only being able to get in once her boyfriend arrives because she has ether any cash on her but he does, and that she just wants to go use the restroom and come right back. She says, "Excuse me, but I have an emergency and just want to run to the ladies room and back." He says, "Well our policy only allows people in once they pay." Then she gets into, "Well you know I'm in already because yall all should know my boyfriend Johnny very well." So, In trying to remind him of Johnny who is someone most people working at the club know very well by him coming to the club on enough occasions and having very generous tips in their holdings, the doorman says, "Sorry miss, I know this may sound surprising to you, but your boyfriend is forbidden from coming in here anymore." This really shocks her, and tries to probe him as to why, along with so many good reasons why he deserves to always be let in because of how much more money they have because of people like him. He interjects with, "Excuse me miss, others behind you are ready to get in...so if you have an issue with that maam then go get you another boyfriend." She reacts with, "What are you for real ?"... He says, "Yeah, go change him for another one...go back to the store where you got him from, get your refund, and purchase you another one who knows how to act in a club...come back with a real man instead of that big boy toy you got from Toys "R" Us....Please escort Ms. Barbie, security personell." She goes into a fit, trying to throw her shoe at him. They escort her out before she is able to, but she pisses on one of their jackets in the mix of it. They then forbid even her from ever coming back.
- Next One -
While a person is helping passerbyers and tourists on their way to their destinations on a busy street corner, one guy notices him doing so and asks for his contact number, oblivious that the helper guy is an actualist. So, he asks Mr. Helper, "Hey, can I have your contact number?". Mr. Helper says, "Sure, simply store it in your cellphone I see you have in your hand, while I read it out to you.....by the way, what's your name?" "My name is Ben." "Ok Ben, my number is area code - three~four~seven - six~dimether~dimether".....Ben interjects with, "Excuse me; can you say that in english please"..... Mr. Helper says, "That word dimether is english; it's just in actuality dialect; I can draw its number symbol for you"........"Uhhh, accu what; the symbol for what"......"Well, let me show you"........"Ahhh let's forget about this; I'mma keep it moving, and may I find somebody to help me who only speaks english......That sounds like a language out of ur anus "
- Next One -
Someone hands an interviewer his resume. After the interviewer reads it, he looks up at him, grins, starts chuckling (like he's trying to hold in the bursting laughter), and tells him, "Alrighty then....I think I really need to think this over tonight....<more chuckles follow>....In fact, give me a couple of days to get back to you on this......<more chuckles>......and while you're at it go out applying and send your resume to many more companies because they definitely might be able to use you part-time for something with a diverse resume like this - Our company can only pay you but so much.....From the looks of this one, you are worth so much more"......."Interviewee says thanks a lot.....you're right, I'm very ambitious and about to do just that until someone decides to hire me for something.....wow, what a brief interview - a surprise to me - okay, get back to me when you can". After interviewee leaves the office, the interviewer starts bursting with laughter and laughing so hard and loud that others in the building can hear him. A few of his fellow office personells comes into his office to find out what's the laugh about. Mr. Interviewer shows them by feeding it through a projector screen, and asks them to sit down and help him decide whether he should hire this guy by what everyone sees on his resume on screen display. He dims the lights and turns on the projector. The resume displays and it reads - from top to bottom (in actuality dialect):
Objective:
To take my expert knowledge from growing up in the hood and use it to do whatever it takes to make those working in an establishment much happier, and help make them rich
Work Experience -
House Chore Specialist (for allowance during childhood)......always one to make my bed up neatly - folding in hospital corners just the way my mom likes it.......sweeping and mopping floors until I can see my reflection because of mirrors being too expensive for us to buy back then, living in the projects
Sparkling Clean Tooth Brusher (for tooth-fairy).......very good at sparkling up a tooth so that when the tooth fairy comes she puts more money inside the cup, so if any company has people with teeth that need sparkling, I'm the man for that......I come to learn that tooth fairies are a good boost to our economy
Floor and Ground Scavenger.......companies love it when I find things laying on the floor, or on the ground when they send me out into the field......Finding pennies and recycling them back into pockets is what I have the most experience in, but less experience in finding bills of $1 or more.....so if someone ever misplaces or drops something around the office I'm the man for that, that's if I have adequate rest and remember to return it before I accidentally fall asleep at my post because of working continuously without enough breaks - I require at least 10 breaks
"Rich Establishment" Causer........many accounts that I can prove about me giving some establishment a couple extra dollars as a buying customer and them reaching the one-million-dollars in sales mark......I always keep records and ask companies how much in sales are they so far since starting their business, so that I can make all companies who wish to hire me very aware of my track record and how valuable people like me are to establishments
Coffee and Donut Run, Laughing Stock of the Office......this one tops them all - all establishments and companies say that this is my strength and what I'm most good for - the best reason to hire me, they say.......have on record over one-thousand coffee and donut runs for those needing someone to do so for their office.......I also have telephone numbers of companies upon request to verify how much of a laughing stock I am for them, and such laughter as their medicine helping them make their stress go away, make them feel much happier about coming to work, and, as a result, extend their lives more because of the effect of happiness on the body.....The greatest laughs by fellow employees are about me scratching in and writing out funny messages in the bathroom stalls, on desks, and on hallway walls, although I got a few write ups about it, I'm good at knowing when to quit the job before they decide to fire me......Also, good at detecting where a fart smell is coming from....I'm able to let clean-up personell and my boss know right away to take care of it immediately and reprimand that person
What's the most important thing to me in a company: Having a female interviewer so that I can smell her sweet perfume, look at her sexy legs, try to flatter her with compliments and flowers so I can sway her into hiring me, and have her call me back at my number (347) 438 - 5243 which is short for (347) get - laid
- Next One -
This is a funny video I'm on hold of manifesting: It's in a live jazz club....everything looks like a normal set-up....all throughout the night just normal jazz playing with a common looking stage......then the drummer goes into this solo, and after he up-paces his hand and stick motion, he takes it up so much that in reaching "red" pace for human movement, first smoke starts coming out of the snare drum, then, at his max-rush, fire comes shooting out....the audience go into awe of what they see.....yet he keeps it up even amidst the fire to the extent that drenching sweat is pouring down his face all the while it has a very crazy look on it until, suddenly, water shoots down from the ceiling, extinguishes it, and even in that, the guy still keeps going....that makes the audience erupt with laughter and vigorous claps, then, in knowing how water can change the sound of a drum, that's what happens, and so the sound changes in the middle of it all, it tones down of course, and then a powerful, warm air blowing fan from above shoots down and blows everything dry - the drummer too....he ends the solo, the fan turns off, and the performers next to him fan him with their hands and say, "Wewww, he's wayyyy tooo hottt".....everyone gives him a big round of applause with roaring laughter
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Someone's sitting at a table in a restaurant, finishes his greasy-chicken meal, then notices that napkins are missing from the table. A surprising look surfaces on his face, then he says out loud, "How is it that this waitress is able to give me all this greasy food and forget to place down napkins?" Afterwards, he tries to get the waitresses attention. At some point she notices him and comes over to the table. He then asks her for some napkins, in a way such as, "Do you see these greasy hands?"....."I think you know what that means"... She says, "Oh I'm sorry about that; it always happens around here; napkins just run out"..."I'm so sorry, sir, "We're out of napkins"....He goes into, "Are you serious?" .... "There has to be at least a few left, tucked in the corner of somewhere" ..... Then says to her, "Can you just do me favor and check to see if there's at least one or two left deep down in your bra?" ..... "I can check the left one, while you check the right one," "And if they're a little damp it's okay - my hands are greasy anyway"
- Next One -
A guy is ready to leave the bar. His friend asks him if he has everything with him, and to check the tables or any places of him being there within the bar. The guy says, "Yes, I'm sure that I have everything". Then the bartender says, "Are you sure about that?"..... He says, "Positive".......Then the bartender says, "I think you might want to just double check the bathroom....."There's a hat in there that looks like one of yours with something underneath it"....."We're okay with you leaving the hat here, but please do us a favor, always make sure you take your brain with you when you leave the bar, or just leave it at home"
- Next One -
It's after the election....Obama is so happy to be the next term President. Yet there's others who feel otherwise...It's morning, and he's inside his royal dwelling still somewhat in celebratory mode, and is sitting in the kitchen with his dear family, trying to enjoy breakfast when suddenly he hears shouting outside....So, he says, "I hear something outside"..."Excuse me while I go to the window and see who they are"....."He opens the window and sees Occupy Protestors on his lawn, with a multitude of signs up"....How they got there, and beyond the security check-point, is a shocker to him.....Then one shouts-out, "Good morning Mr. President, it looks like your Top-Notch White House Security Guard over there had a little bit too much to drink last night partying over your re-election, because he's in his booth sleeping like a baby."....."so, we're here to take advantage of this opportunity and protest against your further embarrassment to what we the people of the United States actually stand for"....Then Obama says, "hey I'm just as human as anyone else in this world"...."We all make mistakes, and I promise that this go-round you all see some real change in this country"...."Heck, I just got the re-elect, can yall at least let a brother settle in and get comfortable on my new furniture for the family, and chill-out in our new lounge-wear, along with our luxurious bedroom set I got with my two-million dollar re-elect pay-check"...."Heck, I already let rappers Jay-Z and Juelz Santana in here, giving upcoming minorities more of a sense of hope; what more do yall want from me"....."I'm doing the best I can, with all the hope I have to give, and at least being smart enough to follow suuum rules, kiss suum Republican butt, and make it at least look like I'm doing something good for Uncle Sam"......"Give me a break already"...."I mean do yall really want to appear like terrorists on my front lawn"....."So I tell you what, I got a deal for yall - We got a bunch of government cheddar cheese in the refrigerator, and can let yall have it all - enough to keep 20 families from starving, if yall can promise to keep away and yall mouths shut until my presidency is over, keeping in mind how fast yall know I can hunt people down"....."Need I say more?"....The protestors then go into silence, while some whisper amongst each other and figure out how to set up the president......They say "Ok, that's a deal".....They take the barrels of government cheese, step off his lawn, but one of them with some kind of camouflage on sneaks around his bushes with a small camcorder.........Inside he sees and over-hears him talking to his wife Michelle about the whole thing, for which at some exchange of words Obama says, "If they can only know what presidents have to go through, especially what black ones have to go through, they might be little more understanding"....."Why do you think I buy these type of books from Secret Society Authors".....The camouflage protestor then records on the camcorder the titles of the books......One reads, "How to keep a million dollar smile and charm your way out of anything".....The other reads, "How to take advantage of being President when you're out of Congress' sight".....This is also while he is in the mirror perfecting his smile and hand waving - as she stands behind him massaging his shoulders.....says to her, "I love you so much"..."Our dream is finally a reality"..."Let's take as much advantage of Uncle Sam as we can"....."Who cares if we only accomplish one thing for this country this term"...."I think that's more than enough already, as long as we always got each other and many secret excursions we can take, let's just enjoy being in this White House and suck them for everything they got." She winks at him and gives him a kiss.....Oblivious that this is all on live ABC news television as the protestor records.....The whole world watches in total shock.
Funny-sounding names:
Thobo (the first "o" is a high pitch sound, and the last one - low pitch)
Barufus (the "a" sounds like a low "u", the first "u" is low pitch like USA, the last "u" - high)